Nail clippings, covert hair strand stealing, and a prostitute attempting to pick up the driver, all in one gloriously behind schedule ride into Hollywood
Really?! For the love of god people keep your shoes on
Few years ago, I was out at Three of Clubs drinking with my friend Atiya. We were walking up to take the bus to Echo Park and we see that there’s a woman in a gold lame bikini straddling the bus bench. She’s singing Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” or some shit, trying to look sexy and dancing.
As soon as she sees us walk up, she starts screaming “AW HELL NO! CAN’T HAVE NO REALS GIRLS! YOU HAVE TO GO! CAN’T HAVE NO REAL GIRLS!” over and over.
I say hell no, bus is coming. We can see it far away down the street.
Out of fucking nowhere, her pimp appears. He tells Atiya that she “better take Hannah Montana and go to the next stop.” The tranny is still screaming about real girls.
At this point the bus is about a block away. We point to the bus and say we’re staying, and sort of walk a few feet away. At this point the bus pulls up.
Spend half of bus ride seated by pimp and his ho badly dancing and trying to sing more Beyonce songs.
Ignoring dude that just chugged a beer and sold some teens pills when he calls you “gorgeous” as you get off the bus may result in him throwing the beer bottle at you. :(
Not the Harry Potter one, either.
Dude spotted with fake leg that had broken off at the knee and he had replaced with pvc pipe and duct tape. He hobbled on board with his giant plastic stump, assisted by a crutch, reeking of Night Train and carrying a small purple bag covered in a kitty cat print, all while transit tv was playing Jay-Z’s ‘Empire State of Mind.’
Damn Los Angeles. Oh taking the bus and the shit you see.
Go read ‘Rainbow Stories’ by William T Vollmann and learn more about Night Train here
Note: This post republished from an old blog of mine, circa February 2010.
So I finally have a place where all my bus related rambling and bitching can go.
(Here! Or here!)
It’s a new level of weird when an obese but very tired looking mom goes from someone everyone the bus feels for; almost forgiving her for her weird fat boy’s screaming, to people actually moving as far away from her as possible.
To do this, it helps if fat child is screaming “DIANETICS” at the top of his lungs. Everyone enjoys small children yelling scientology lingo, duh.
Next, simply have screaming child reach down your shirt, flashing everyone on the bus. Then have him not stop trying to get to your boobs. Have him do this NONSTOP for about 20 minutes (the longer, the better) until you exit the bus. Bus now officially creeped the fuck out.
Do kids do this if they’re still being breast fed way too long or some shit? I can’t stop thinking about that woman and the sheer look of horror on her face when he started grabbing for her boobs. It was as if the Grab Mom’s Boobs thing was a game they played at home. :(
Oh, the bus. Showing me things I can’t unsee since 2009.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BARE FEET ON THE BUS.